Ugh. Another Blog

Hey.  Howdy.  Wassup?

I've attempted blogs in the past.  Predictably, I've quit blogging.  Often my attempts were driven from a place to create something special for others to gain praise.  I put that out to you plainly to keep myself accountable.  I'm not doing this blog to please anyone.  I do it to please me.  To give this formless impulse within me a place to express itself as it is - as I am. 

Most of you who may or may not read this blog know me as a life or relating coach, an IT guy, or a dude with an odd sense of humor.  For a long, long time, these have been aspects I've expressed loudly to compensate for my internalized shame of me. 

Shame of Me

Its pretty fucking prominent.  I understand that many may see me differently from this point forward, perhaps in a light that I'd prefer to avoid or extinguish.  I shoulder the responsibility for my choices and the consequences thereof.  And its essential to expose shame to vulnerability to create a space of growth, empathy and eventually maturity out of the locked in pain and wounded image of Self.  

See, I hide parts of myself.  I don't respond in faith that others may find me appealing, empowering, likeable, or even wanting me.  I respond with a strong sense of  aversion.  I could relate how my childhood sexual abuse by my peers and by a babysitter created this - but that would be false.  Those are, literally, merely influences towards this persona I adopted as "who I am". 

More accurately (and brutally), I chose to see myself as they deemed me rather than I see myself as I could within me.  To help conceptualize this, I made a pretty drawing:

 

This is how I see humanity relating with itself.  Its not immediately obvious what I mean, so I will dive in a bit:

1) The Purple Circle (it rhymes!) represents our authentic self is the known and unknown attributes we are internally aware of ourselves.  This Includes fascinating and engaging things such as:

• favorite colors
• music I can't stand (sorry country lovers)
• preferences that govern relationships
• interests
• non-interests
• predispositions to particular stimulous (positive and negative)
• limits and boundaries of Self with others

 2) Red Bar, aka "Inward Concept of Self", is our conscious and subconscious interpretation of the qualities we're aware of in the Authentic Self.  Its literally our internal relationship to those concepts.  It operates as a filter.  It performs this function based on how we've associated particular traits emotionally, often based on a choice we've made from external influences (the green arrow).  It includes:

• Internal voice
• Perceived wants and needs
• Perceived value and valuelessness
• Perceived limits and strengths
• Emotional relationship to external influences (Blue Box)
• (more to come)

3) The Black Arrow (of House Black) denotes our external relating to the Blue Box of Reality.  It includes:

• Chosen behaviors
• Verbal exchange
• Emotional expression

4) The Green Arrow (which I chose deliberately as green because each exchange with another tells us what is Green to Go and what is not) signifies External Influence.  These influences include:

• Parents
• Society
• Marketing
• SPAM
• Music
• Entertainment
• Friends
• Social Circles
• Romantic Interests and Partners
• Enemies
• DIfferences found in others
• etc

5) Blue Box is Material/External Reality.  Its where all influences exist.   Its also where we project our Concept of Self in order to meet perceived and actual wants and needs
 Ok.  So, to get more honest with you about me:  My Concept of Self has been governed from a tenant of being innately FLAWED.  This is the definition of Shame.  "I am flawed".  

Attempting to be a Beetle when I'm a Fly

Knowing ourselves requires that we acknowledge that we likely have a false sense of "me".  This Concept of Self is forged likely in our childhood, refined as teenagers and set into a sort of statis as we move through the years of life.  When we find that life isn't functioning as we'd hoped for we begin to experience a certain type of "identity crisis".  This is when the false Concept of Self begins to falter and buckle from the weight of contradictory evidence seen in Reality.  This is when we begin to realize "things are not as we had perceived them to be".

This is what has happened to me repeatedly, and only because I've been taught that there is a FIXED concept of Self.  Let me state this a different way:  because I chose to believe I am a flawed being (flaws being traits that are intrinsic, harmful and thus ought to be "purged" if possible).  I've learned through my coaching work and my personal healing a simple, unavoidable fact:

I HAVE NO COMPLETE SENSE OF WHO I AM

How convenient! 

Yet, this is the worst flaw of all.  Why? 


Absolutism

I grew up immersed in a culture that told me who I am.  The answers were already provided.  It was all so simple.  No need for discovery or challenge.  Much need for conforming to a strict regiment of ritual and edicts so that this precious truth of "who I am" would remain pure, whole and returnable to its divine creator. 

Back to the Beetle and the Fly

Realizing I have no complete sense of "Who I AM"  liberated me from the shame I felt from realizing I didn't fit the mold established for me by the Absolutism that reigned over my life.

The challenge now is discovering the truth - the honest reality of what and who I am right now.  There's no future in this aspect.  All that can be known is what is Now. 

I need to take a mental break for a moment.  I will return...