Ugh. Another Blog Cont'd

Explorers vs Knowers

We do not know much innately.  We're creatures of learning and discovery.  We shape our reality and our world through the tools of testing, evaluation, and re-testing.   Accepting that I am actually a Learning being eventually liberated me, but it came at a great cost:  losing my sense of place and identity in the world.

See, growing up being told "who I am" stunted the self-exploration and discovery necessary to building and contiguous, stable, loving person that I see as "me".  I was robbed of the essential experiences childhood and teenagehood to choose what does and does not work for me.  Instead, I conformed to social expectations and created nightmares for myself and others in the name of "Obedience" and "worthiness".  Life short-circuited quite quickly, revealing the incomplete, dysfunctional nature of my self-concept.

So began the exploration.

Ownership, Ownership, Ownership

If any of you are my clients, you are likely "fucking tired of hearing about ownership, Marshall."

Hehe. 

Ownership is the concept that what I feel, do, and choose are utterly ALL MY RESPONSIBILITY.  No one else.  Me. 

This was a concept I didn't comprehend existed, much less its utter necessity to living in healthy relations to my fellow human beings.  Instead, I lived in a shame-driven mentality.  I was a good person when I did what pleased others.  I was a terrible person when I failed to do so.  Responsibility was defined as "doing that which pleases the other".  Integrity was a ruse, a game, a house of cards. And empathy...it didn't exist within my emotional spectrum. 

So, in the brisk cold air of a February evening, it dawned on me: "I am better than this behavior.  I can see myself behaving differently.  I am greater than this shameful image of myself." 

While I had very little idea of what to do from this point, I knew that I could do differently. I knew I could see a greater potential in me and that it deserved to be given priority.  And I knew that now I could find the way for me.  I became passionate about this.

This is where ownership began to make sense to me.  I started to see that it was my BEHAVIOR that pushed people away, that hurt them, that caused the drama in my life.  It wasn't my feelings, my needs, my wants, or WHO I AM.  It was all my BEHAVIOR.  In a literal split second, I found myself seeing myself as two components.  Behavior and Being.  I saw my behavior was reflecting a concept of myself that wasn't contiguous with the Being I was perceiving beyond my shame. 

This was when I first experienced empathy for myself and remorse for my behavior rather than shame and self-loathing. 

I could see the hurt that motivated my behaviors, along with the misconceptions that some of that pain was built on.  I could see how I would feel if I had done what I had to others.  And I could see how I would feel if I had done what I wanted done to me.  Then I realized, "I can do that.  I can be that because I see myself doing it and giving it and receiving it."

Which brings us to today. 

The Love of Me

Yep.  Love of me.  Respect of me.  Approval of me.  I have a right to these benefits and feelings.  ANd I have a right to them from and with myself.  I have no right to demand them from or with others.  I can only ASK for what I desire with another. 

It may seem odd that this portion of the blog post is short. Its deliberate because there's not much to say when there is love.  It just IS. 

The Future

I intend to blab about my perspectives and feelings on these things and other things on this blog of mine.  I want to share the hidden parts to promote continued growth and freedom with myself.  I hope that it can be a benefit to you, my audience, too.  I value you.