It burns like an upset stomach. Its irritation "sizzles" in the center of my chest all the way into my gut. I've lived so long in a mental demand that I love, that I feel a certain way, that I have a certain thing, etc. Its a pressure cooker. Super-heated emotionsl slowly condense and boil into their original sense.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Monday, May 19, 2014
Ugh. Another Blog Cont'd
Explorers vs Knowers
We do not know much innately. We're creatures of learning and discovery. We shape our reality and our world through the tools of testing, evaluation, and re-testing. Accepting that I am actually a Learning being eventually liberated me, but it came at a great cost: losing my sense of place and identity in the world.
See, growing up being told "who I am" stunted the self-exploration and discovery necessary to building and contiguous, stable, loving person that I see as "me". I was robbed of the essential experiences childhood and teenagehood to choose what does and does not work for me. Instead, I conformed to social expectations and created nightmares for myself and others in the name of "Obedience" and "worthiness". Life short-circuited quite quickly, revealing the incomplete, dysfunctional nature of my self-concept.
So began the exploration.
Ownership, Ownership, Ownership
If any of you are my clients, you are likely "fucking tired of hearing about ownership, Marshall."
Hehe.
Ownership is the concept that what I feel, do, and choose are utterly ALL MY RESPONSIBILITY. No one else. Me.
This was a concept I didn't comprehend existed, much less its utter necessity to living in healthy relations to my fellow human beings. Instead, I lived in a shame-driven mentality. I was a good person when I did what pleased others. I was a terrible person when I failed to do so. Responsibility was defined as "doing that which pleases the other". Integrity was a ruse, a game, a house of cards. And empathy...it didn't exist within my emotional spectrum.
So, in the brisk cold air of a February evening, it dawned on me: "I am better than this behavior. I can see myself behaving differently. I am greater than this shameful image of myself."
While I had very little idea of what to do from this point, I knew that I could do differently. I knew I could see a greater potential in me and that it deserved to be given priority. And I knew that now I could find the way for me. I became passionate about this.
This is where ownership began to make sense to me. I started to see that it was my BEHAVIOR that pushed people away, that hurt them, that caused the drama in my life. It wasn't my feelings, my needs, my wants, or WHO I AM. It was all my BEHAVIOR. In a literal split second, I found myself seeing myself as two components. Behavior and Being. I saw my behavior was reflecting a concept of myself that wasn't contiguous with the Being I was perceiving beyond my shame.
This was when I first experienced empathy for myself and remorse for my behavior rather than shame and self-loathing.
I could see the hurt that motivated my behaviors, along with the misconceptions that some of that pain was built on. I could see how I would feel if I had done what I had to others. And I could see how I would feel if I had done what I wanted done to me. Then I realized, "I can do that. I can be that because I see myself doing it and giving it and receiving it."
Which brings us to today.
The Love of Me
Yep. Love of me. Respect of me. Approval of me. I have a right to these benefits and feelings. ANd I have a right to them from and with myself. I have no right to demand them from or with others. I can only ASK for what I desire with another.
It may seem odd that this portion of the blog post is short. Its deliberate because there's not much to say when there is love. It just IS.
The Future
I intend to blab about my perspectives and feelings on these things and other things on this blog of mine. I want to share the hidden parts to promote continued growth and freedom with myself. I hope that it can be a benefit to you, my audience, too. I value you.
We do not know much innately. We're creatures of learning and discovery. We shape our reality and our world through the tools of testing, evaluation, and re-testing. Accepting that I am actually a Learning being eventually liberated me, but it came at a great cost: losing my sense of place and identity in the world.
See, growing up being told "who I am" stunted the self-exploration and discovery necessary to building and contiguous, stable, loving person that I see as "me". I was robbed of the essential experiences childhood and teenagehood to choose what does and does not work for me. Instead, I conformed to social expectations and created nightmares for myself and others in the name of "Obedience" and "worthiness". Life short-circuited quite quickly, revealing the incomplete, dysfunctional nature of my self-concept.
So began the exploration.
Ownership, Ownership, Ownership
If any of you are my clients, you are likely "fucking tired of hearing about ownership, Marshall."
Hehe.
Ownership is the concept that what I feel, do, and choose are utterly ALL MY RESPONSIBILITY. No one else. Me.
This was a concept I didn't comprehend existed, much less its utter necessity to living in healthy relations to my fellow human beings. Instead, I lived in a shame-driven mentality. I was a good person when I did what pleased others. I was a terrible person when I failed to do so. Responsibility was defined as "doing that which pleases the other". Integrity was a ruse, a game, a house of cards. And empathy...it didn't exist within my emotional spectrum.
So, in the brisk cold air of a February evening, it dawned on me: "I am better than this behavior. I can see myself behaving differently. I am greater than this shameful image of myself."
While I had very little idea of what to do from this point, I knew that I could do differently. I knew I could see a greater potential in me and that it deserved to be given priority. And I knew that now I could find the way for me. I became passionate about this.
This is where ownership began to make sense to me. I started to see that it was my BEHAVIOR that pushed people away, that hurt them, that caused the drama in my life. It wasn't my feelings, my needs, my wants, or WHO I AM. It was all my BEHAVIOR. In a literal split second, I found myself seeing myself as two components. Behavior and Being. I saw my behavior was reflecting a concept of myself that wasn't contiguous with the Being I was perceiving beyond my shame.
This was when I first experienced empathy for myself and remorse for my behavior rather than shame and self-loathing.
I could see the hurt that motivated my behaviors, along with the misconceptions that some of that pain was built on. I could see how I would feel if I had done what I had to others. And I could see how I would feel if I had done what I wanted done to me. Then I realized, "I can do that. I can be that because I see myself doing it and giving it and receiving it."
Which brings us to today.
The Love of Me
Yep. Love of me. Respect of me. Approval of me. I have a right to these benefits and feelings. ANd I have a right to them from and with myself. I have no right to demand them from or with others. I can only ASK for what I desire with another.
It may seem odd that this portion of the blog post is short. Its deliberate because there's not much to say when there is love. It just IS.
The Future
I intend to blab about my perspectives and feelings on these things and other things on this blog of mine. I want to share the hidden parts to promote continued growth and freedom with myself. I hope that it can be a benefit to you, my audience, too. I value you.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Ugh. Another Blog
Hey. Howdy. Wassup?
I've attempted blogs in the past. Predictably, I've quit blogging. Often my attempts were driven from a place to create something special for others to gain praise. I put that out to you plainly to keep myself accountable. I'm not doing this blog to please anyone. I do it to please me. To give this formless impulse within me a place to express itself as it is - as I am.
Most of you who may or may not read this blog know me as a life or relating coach, an IT guy, or a dude with an odd sense of humor. For a long, long time, these have been aspects I've expressed loudly to compensate for my internalized shame of me.
Shame of Me
Its pretty fucking prominent. I understand that many may see me differently from this point forward, perhaps in a light that I'd prefer to avoid or extinguish. I shoulder the responsibility for my choices and the consequences thereof. And its essential to expose shame to vulnerability to create a space of growth, empathy and eventually maturity out of the locked in pain and wounded image of Self.
See, I hide parts of myself. I don't respond in faith that others may find me appealing, empowering, likeable, or even wanting me. I respond with a strong sense of aversion. I could relate how my childhood sexual abuse by my peers and by a babysitter created this - but that would be false. Those are, literally, merely influences towards this persona I adopted as "who I am".
More accurately (and brutally), I chose to see myself as they deemed me rather than I see myself as I could within me. To help conceptualize this, I made a pretty drawing:
3) The Black Arrow (of House Black) denotes our external relating to the Blue Box of Reality. It includes:
Ok. So, to get more honest with you about me: My Concept of Self has been governed from a tenant of being innately FLAWED. This is the definition of Shame. "I am flawed".
Attempting to be a Beetle when I'm a Fly
Knowing ourselves requires that we acknowledge that we likely have a false sense of "me". This Concept of Self is forged likely in our childhood, refined as teenagers and set into a sort of statis as we move through the years of life. When we find that life isn't functioning as we'd hoped for we begin to experience a certain type of "identity crisis". This is when the false Concept of Self begins to falter and buckle from the weight of contradictory evidence seen in Reality. This is when we begin to realize "things are not as we had perceived them to be".
This is what has happened to me repeatedly, and only because I've been taught that there is a FIXED concept of Self. Let me state this a different way: because I chose to believe I am a flawed being (flaws being traits that are intrinsic, harmful and thus ought to be "purged" if possible). I've learned through my coaching work and my personal healing a simple, unavoidable fact:
I HAVE NO COMPLETE SENSE OF WHO I AM
How convenient!
Yet, this is the worst flaw of all. Why?
Absolutism
I grew up immersed in a culture that told me who I am. The answers were already provided. It was all so simple. No need for discovery or challenge. Much need for conforming to a strict regiment of ritual and edicts so that this precious truth of "who I am" would remain pure, whole and returnable to its divine creator.
Back to the Beetle and the Fly
Realizing I have no complete sense of "Who I AM" liberated me from the shame I felt from realizing I didn't fit the mold established for me by the Absolutism that reigned over my life.
The challenge now is discovering the truth - the honest reality of what and who I am right now. There's no future in this aspect. All that can be known is what is Now.
I need to take a mental break for a moment. I will return...
I've attempted blogs in the past. Predictably, I've quit blogging. Often my attempts were driven from a place to create something special for others to gain praise. I put that out to you plainly to keep myself accountable. I'm not doing this blog to please anyone. I do it to please me. To give this formless impulse within me a place to express itself as it is - as I am.
Most of you who may or may not read this blog know me as a life or relating coach, an IT guy, or a dude with an odd sense of humor. For a long, long time, these have been aspects I've expressed loudly to compensate for my internalized shame of me.
Shame of Me
Its pretty fucking prominent. I understand that many may see me differently from this point forward, perhaps in a light that I'd prefer to avoid or extinguish. I shoulder the responsibility for my choices and the consequences thereof. And its essential to expose shame to vulnerability to create a space of growth, empathy and eventually maturity out of the locked in pain and wounded image of Self.
See, I hide parts of myself. I don't respond in faith that others may find me appealing, empowering, likeable, or even wanting me. I respond with a strong sense of aversion. I could relate how my childhood sexual abuse by my peers and by a babysitter created this - but that would be false. Those are, literally, merely influences towards this persona I adopted as "who I am".
More accurately (and brutally), I chose to see myself as they deemed me rather than I see myself as I could within me. To help conceptualize this, I made a pretty drawing:
This is how I see humanity relating with itself. Its not immediately obvious what I mean, so I will dive in a bit:
1) The Purple Circle (it rhymes!) represents our authentic self is the known and unknown attributes we are internally aware of ourselves. This Includes fascinating and engaging things such as:
- favorite colors
- music I can't stand (sorry country lovers)
- preferences that govern relationships
- interests
- non-interests
- predispositions to particular stimulous (positive and negative)
- limits and boundaries of Self with others
- Internal voice
- Perceived wants and needs
- Perceived value and valuelessness
- Perceived limits and strengths
- Emotional relationship to external influences (Blue Box)
- (more to come)
3) The Black Arrow (of House Black) denotes our external relating to the Blue Box of Reality. It includes:
- Chosen behaviors
- Verbal exchange
- Emotional expression
- Parents
- Society
- Marketing
- SPAM
- Music
- Entertainment
- Friends
- Social Circles
- Romantic Interests and Partners
- Enemies
- DIfferences found in others
- etc
Ok. So, to get more honest with you about me: My Concept of Self has been governed from a tenant of being innately FLAWED. This is the definition of Shame. "I am flawed".
Attempting to be a Beetle when I'm a Fly
Knowing ourselves requires that we acknowledge that we likely have a false sense of "me". This Concept of Self is forged likely in our childhood, refined as teenagers and set into a sort of statis as we move through the years of life. When we find that life isn't functioning as we'd hoped for we begin to experience a certain type of "identity crisis". This is when the false Concept of Self begins to falter and buckle from the weight of contradictory evidence seen in Reality. This is when we begin to realize "things are not as we had perceived them to be".
This is what has happened to me repeatedly, and only because I've been taught that there is a FIXED concept of Self. Let me state this a different way: because I chose to believe I am a flawed being (flaws being traits that are intrinsic, harmful and thus ought to be "purged" if possible). I've learned through my coaching work and my personal healing a simple, unavoidable fact:
I HAVE NO COMPLETE SENSE OF WHO I AM
How convenient!
Yet, this is the worst flaw of all. Why?
Absolutism
I grew up immersed in a culture that told me who I am. The answers were already provided. It was all so simple. No need for discovery or challenge. Much need for conforming to a strict regiment of ritual and edicts so that this precious truth of "who I am" would remain pure, whole and returnable to its divine creator.
Back to the Beetle and the Fly
Realizing I have no complete sense of "Who I AM" liberated me from the shame I felt from realizing I didn't fit the mold established for me by the Absolutism that reigned over my life.
The challenge now is discovering the truth - the honest reality of what and who I am right now. There's no future in this aspect. All that can be known is what is Now.
I need to take a mental break for a moment. I will return...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)